ENGINEERS TAKE THE FUN OUT OF CHRISTMAS

Hey all, this is my first post. lol i stumbled upon this, and thought you would all enjoy it.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, which comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least 1 good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second or 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them, Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles/second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Hahaha Merry Christmas

Tyler Wright

just an update

well,
It's been quite some time since i actually mad a real post. So here goes.
Its Wednesday the 16th and i'm sitting in my room reading a book about how the west destroyed Africa. all day, i once again did nothing. I just watched the Picton Montage, which made me want to be home for Christmas that much more...i'll be home on the 23rd and ready to spread some Christmas cheer.
the past two weeks i have been 'studying' for my exams. I've had three thus far, and each has went better than anticipated. Im hopin Peace Studies is the same way.probably not tho.
My days consist of waking up with intentions of studying my stuff all day. but each day i spend way too much time on the web, looking at stuff that gets me no where. a good portion of my day is spent trying to think of, and looking for, good movies that i have not yet seen (last week i was refered to 'In Bruges' = good). by the time 7:30 roles around (like now) i have done little to no studying. And, since the exam is not till friday i will probably not Acually study till 5 o'clock tommorow eve. sigh.
i dont feel i've (well, i actually haven't) accomplished anything worth while in the past weeks. unless you count class. which is all i've done. I feel i need to get out, and do something intense.
I look forward to Christmas

Best,
Grant DeVries

My New Idol

Hello fellow aligators

heres a little vid to help get you guys through the rest of your exams!



ps kyle i got no idea how to put the actual vid here

Somethign Somethign Something DarkSIde

I don't know if anybody was aware of this, but its pretty fricken sweet. Sunday December 22! set your timers folks. I just hope i still get it. Apparently after i left home we switched to basic cable :S.

Now if you excuse me im going to go try to actionscript and cry. Wish me luck!

Some things should be left unsaid, Others should be left unheard

Heard from the back corner of my cuisine and culture class during break:

Girl 1: "I can't wait for this semester to be over"
Girl 2: "I know, and then I get to go to Cuba! Except I'll have my period which really really sucks"
Girl 1: "Why dont you just skip it. Start taking your next set of pills when you finish the ones you are on"
Girl 2: "No, that screws up your body. I'll just suffer"
Girl 1: "Better pack some tampons"

Too much information really doesnt say enough for this situation.

When your feeling down....

Hello Alligators, as we now approach a hectic schedule of exams and cramming we may experience feelings of being overwhelmed, overworked, and crappyness. While surfing the web and admiring the tales of sxephil a video that will be sure to put a smile on your face came to my attention. I hope this helps warm each of your hearts, and does not curdle anyones blood.


if kyle could maybe help put this as a video on the site it would be great...until now please just copy paste this into your browser or click the link...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bmhjf0rKe8 really people its not that hard

Star Wars

So star wars in concert was as mind fuckingly awesome as you could imagine. The ewok costumes are reallt shitty up close, and the the guy that was dressed up as darth maul had let himself go a bit. But the show was amazing, anthony daniels, the guy who played C3PO hosted it. He was awesome, and there was an intense laser show. Star Wars, a bitchin british accent, lasers, and a cheesedog, pretty much as good as it gets. Anyway here is all the video i got, the brand new batteries i just bought died really fast for some reason, and there isnt a single place to buy batteries in the scotiabank place.. weird. Make sure you press the HD button, it makes a big difference. There are some other videos on youtube that show the sweet laser show, it matches the music so well, check them out.

Waterloo quotes

So for those of you wondering what I must endure on a day to day basis here is a tid-bit.

"Spread the legs... it's not in yet!", overheard in an ECE lab while referring to capacitors and breadboards.

Enjoy,

Kingston's Douchbags of the week

I would say that so far Iv enjoyed about 98% of my college expereince. My class's although easy, have actually been enjoyable, and every once and a while i actually learn something new! And then comes along Communications............sorry I just threw up in my mouth a little. This class, which I am currently sitting in, bored to tears, and waiting for the opportune moment to leave early, makes me want to want to reach for the nearest sharp object and stab my eyeballs and ears repeatedly. The class is about 50% people who couldnt give a rats ass what the proper use of an effing apostrophe is, and the other 50% are a bunch of douchbags that think it is a great use of their time to debate everything we discuss in this class. The prof is the douchbag ringleader of this freakshow of a class. Iv never met a woman who was grinded my gears as much as she does, and i DO NOT mean in a good way. I think that at some point in her life she consumed massive amounts of hard liquer or drugs killing about 50% of her brain cells. Although from time to time she occasionally has something intelegent to say, its usually just a blathering of pointless and incomprehencible bullshit. And the sad thing is she actually thinks she giving us a wealth of gramatical knowldge when really she is just stating things we've probably known since like grade 3. This class makes me sick. Oh good break, im leaving while iv got the chance.

Later Aligators

Year of the Cock anyone?

Everywhere look these days, the media is constantly droning on about swine flu. But a recent discovery has my attention drawn away from swine flu, and to somthing much more sinister. Here's my concern:

- 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.

- 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.

- This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock - Anybody else worried?

Douchbag of the Decade

I have a film studies class. I have a tutorial for that film studies class. That class is full of douchebags. I have come to the conclusion that if anyone ever starts a sentence with the phrase "I find..." you might as well just shoot yourself in the face. Chances are you are not a genius. You are not more insightful than anyone else. If you "find" it, then everyone else finds it too, so don't even say it. Don't take credit for common knowledge. Stop talking, its painful.

We watched Citizen Kane in that class last week, and the prof wrote the fucking text book for that class. He knows his shit. Hes a fucking professor. He talked about how there is a scene in the movie where there is the sound of a woman screaming int eh background, and he doesn't know why its there. He joked that if anyone can figure it out, they will get an A. Everyone laughed, except for this one fat fuck who took it to heart. It was a challenge. He stared long and hard at that movie, and analyzed the fucking shit outta it. He was gonna prove Dr. Jose Sanchez (real name) wrong. What he came up with was...

"Stay with me here. It was anthropomorphized non-diagetic monkey screaming.*flicks emo bangs to the side*"

He had some bullshit reason about how monkeys were mentioned one time in the entire movie, but it didn't matter because that sentence doesn't make any fucking sense. You cannot anthropomorphise a sound, you just can't, thats not what the word means. And they didn't have the technology in 19 fucking 41 to manipulate sound and even if they could why would they. Oh my god.... I'm know im ranting but i really can't get over it. I wish you were there Grant. I needed someone to share my pain with.

For years it has puzzled mankinds great anthropologists on how man as we know it evolved out of the disparished and primitive hunter gatherer societies of yore, to our modern civilized society, where ones breeding parteners are severly limited by bloodline and species. The opposite ends of the spectrum are evident, but in the midst there seems to be a missing link. But a discovery has been made of what we believe to be themissing link. We present to you the Devries family. They appear at first to be an average modern family, but upon furthur inspection we discover some startlign truths. Note that they posses the attire of a more modernised society but lack the mentality of one.
Exhibit A: While dining at an eating establishment the second youngest devries starteld and embarrased us with his cries of astoundment upon seeing what he refered to as a "negro"
Exhibit B: Their savage ruthlessness and lack of compassion is evident in their extermination of long loved house hold pets after they grow bored of them.
Exhibit C: The core of their primitive society, bestiality, is evident in our one Devries specimines proffessed sexual attraction to species fo the primate family.
Exhibit D: While foragin for food they can detect a pig roast from 20 miles. and they appear to be instinctively bornwith the ability to roast a pig.
Exhibit E: They also possess the instinctive skill to gain entry to any tractor like machinery they encounter.
They sill maintian a certain modernized outward appearance, posessing vats of hair gel, and tranformer cars that start at the press of a button.
It is quite evident that the lack of modernization sets them behind the rest of us.These farmer-human hybrids may blend into society but under closer examination their roots become quite apparent.

Special thanks to the editor, KT.

Beating a Dead Horse

I know we have been picking on ryan benton a lot lately for what happens to him at night, and I will stop... right after this. This adorable little guy is pretty much exactly how ryan acts when hes drunk, minus the breaking things.

Woo her with your Mooer

Grant, Ryan and I just had some wonderful bonding time, brought to you by the magic of the interweb. We discussed what we had been up to, "squeezes", we orchestrated bens life plan, as tragic as it was, through diagrams abd flowcharts. We reiterated the theory of flatulent dynamics to ryan, and grant discovered that he had synestesia. Just in case anybody didnt know, we are all going to ryan and aarons for new years, i dont care if ryan says he didnt know about this, we have had many discussions about it... If i can remember it then surely he can because apparently many events have unfolded recently that i do not recollect, and im sure are being exaggerated. I think its fair to say that ryan is not of our generation. Clearly he is of a different time. He should have been born 40 years ago, and lived a long life with a healthy career writing jokes for 70's sitcoms.

what the 'Dickens'

oh my word

i came across this last night. GREATEST THING EVER.
i really advise watching more. *and watch this one till the very end

Ass Hat

The only tarnish on my otherwise squeeky clean record.

oct 31

its not halloween without the mash!

halloween

PS today is all hallows eve. so happy that day

Cick or Treat

On google it says Click or treat, hence the name, instead of Trick or Treatl for those who dont get it. Ben, doesnt understand pop culture colokuilisms

Kyle said that we were to post drunkis h texts. i went to my neighbours tonight unexpectadly after studying in the library and got carried a way.

i beat rachels ass in wii boxing. awesome.. well yuou guys are awesome and i looki forward to coming home to have fun night with you.

bye for now.

your friendly neighbourhood Grantman

Funny Shit

grant. dont watch this in the library.

ohhhhh ryan LAWL

i am in ryan and aarons living room rihgt now. i am drunk but not as ryan/benton/ben/the monster ryan has become. right now he is telling me to "just do it kyle!" but he will not elaborate on what "it" is. He likes to dance and sing, and whistle MGMT songs that he only know the corus to. He is now swithcing between sitting in a chair, hands behind his head, crotch in hair, humping nothing, singing BAM BAM..... wood just snapped, the amazingly comfortable ikea chair is dead. he likes to row across the room in the chair too. ONLY SQUARES SHOWER EVERYDAY!! but the my all time favourite quote of the night..... wait for it...... barney is not really all that funny but it kinda works for this........ "FUCK THE SHUT UP!!!!!"

"seriously holly, your fine, did you want to sleep in the bathroom? kyle shut up!"

"FUck you kyle!" "just go!" "get out"

Holly says that if she could poke out her eyeballs she could, she is overreacting...

AND SO CONCLUDES the first drunk post of GWA i promise not to edit this or delete it as long as before the end of the year everyone else involved in this grand escapade agrees to also get smashed and post jibberish. im looking at you grant!

EDIT:
"what time do you have class tomoro ryan?"
"ohhh abot half time"

While singing "Afternoon delight"
"sucking my cock int he light of day"
"Nine billion flyer fies, de de delah de deh la dle da ... mumble mummble, probably say goodbye *then ryan gives me the finger* dont say it.... im sorry, flive milion fire flies hmmmmmh mmmm hmmmm do do do dooo do doooo, im sorry *somethign abotu angela*"

k, i feal like an asswhole now for posting this. fuck ryan hes from tincap! aarons the good shit... ryans words not mine.

Right Round Baby! Right Round!

This is why i dont like pop music these days. Cause nothing is ORIGINAL!!!!!
This video however is somthing else. And its a kick ass song!

its heeeere

I am writing to let you know that the swine flu has arrived at mcmaster campus. today i saw two infected persons. both asian (hmmmmmmm)

also, deep down inside i have a little hope that the virus mutates and turns people into crazy swine zombies. cuz that'd be coo

signing off now

grant

Michael Clayton

Im not sure exactly who all was involved in this tale, but i remeber the events pretty clearly. It was a tuesday night and a group of us headed over to the theatre in brockville to see 30 days of night. Now none of us were 18, but we had a plan. Bens mom came with us. However the briliant plan quickly fell to pieces when we were informed that she had to actually acompany us into the movie. Not wanting to just give up and go home, we decided to see the only other movie playing that sparked our interest. Michael Clayton. At the time I will admit this is the worst movie i had ever seen. Nothing made sense. It was so bad that Ben left half way through. The rest of us left the movie theatre with an expression of wtf on our faces.

Well aprently, since when we watched the movie and now, i have obtained some kind of devine enlightenment. While browsing for a good movie to download, I came across Michael Clayton, and decided that i was going to watch this movie and by-god understand it if it was the death of me. It was not the death of me. I watched it yesterday, and ............. I actually understood it! And the even crazier thing is..........I kinda liked it. There was somepointless stuff that could have been left out, but besides that the story was interesting, the editing was suspencful, and the acting by george clooney was excellent. I dont know whats brought such a change over me, but for those of you that watched it and hated it, watch it again, trust me. You might just change your mind.

Later Alligators

Dopleganger

Apparently Aaron has a long lost twin brother! Amirite?

The End of the Internet

So about a few months ago i started reading the internet. It's a rather long process as you can imagine due to the volume of websites. Well tonight i finnaly got to this page:

http://www.wwwdotcom.com/

Powerthirst!!! Made With Real Lightning!!!!!

Aaron's B-Day Song!

Best Feelings

There are some things in life that though are small in the grand scheme of things, still manage to bring you a wave of joy. I'v recently experienced two of these:

1. Finding money. This is possibly one of the best feelings in the world. Weather its money that you didnt know you had, lost in a pocket or a bag or your underwear droor, or money you find on the ground. I found a 10 dollar bill rolling across the grass at my XC meet in windsor, and let me tell you, nothing tastes better then McDonalds bought with someone elses money.

2. Realising that the assignment that you have been stressing and procrastinating over is not due for another week. This just happened to me tonight. I thought i had an essay due in my cousine and culture class tomorow, and iv been procrastinating starting it since yesterday. Finally tonite at about 8pm i opened my book, looked at my ruberic and realized its not due till the following tuesday. EXSTACY.

As iv learned from zombieland, you've got to enjoy the little things.

Later Alligators

Chain Reaction

You know when something sparks your curiosity, and this being a wondrous (-1point) modern world, you google it, only to find yourself looking at something completely different 20 mins later? The same thing happens with conversations. Well today I experienced and documented one of these winding paths of discovery.

-We started off talking about the new buildings under construction at Carleton.
-Then we found the website for the architects.
-We looked through the architects portfolio and found that they had design the Kuwait Embassy, which i had walked past the day before
-We talked about The Kuwait Embassy has a surprisingly prime spot in Ottawa
-And then how the Canadian Embassy has an insanely good spot in Washington
-And that the statue that is on the $20 bill is huge and in front of the canadian embassy
-Wikipedia says that that statue is also in the museum of civilization
-We browsed the Civilization website for a while before clicking on the IMAX link
-Then we discovered that STARTREK was playing in IMAX in 2 hours
-Then we watched STARTREK in IMAX
-Then I shat bricks

Transformers 2 is also playing in IMAX soon, I dont think i could handle that. I dont like it when my eyes bleed.

Giddy Like a School Girl

Gather round children, for oh what a tale i have to tell. I have been in Ottawa, a truly glamorous and star struck city, for little more than a month and a half now, and i have experienced my first minor canadian celebrity encounter.

Let me set the scene. I had just come from a wonderfully cultured evening at the Ottawa Animation Festival where i enjoyed An Evening with Don Hertzfeldt ( whose work can be experienced in all its mindnumbing glory here ) and 7 Reasons to Love Animation, which was so terrible, between 3 of us we could only remember 4 of them.

My companions and i were strolling along Sussex Drive when two men in tuxedos appeared down the street in front of us. The sharply dressed men were a strange sight upon the drug addled, homeless-person-strewn streets of ottawa, so we watched them as they clip-clopped past in their shiny leather shoes. I turned my head to watch them as they passed, and after they had retreated from sight i turned my head forward again, as is done to watch were one is going when one is walking, and as i turned i first saw that there were more tuxedo clad men, then i noticed that one of them was fairly short, and he had curly black hair, and then i realized that i was standing not 1 meter from Rick Mercer.

I'll let that sink in..........









Now then. I have nothing but respect for the man, but when he looked at me and my school chum, and he did make direct eye contact with each of us, i promise, he seemed to have a disgruntled look of disgust on his face. I really hope it was just because he was wearing a tux, and people in tuxes just naturally look pompous, or that he had just smelt something unpleasant, but his brow was furrowed and his nosed was raised just enough to deepen the lines that ran from his nostrils to the corners of his mouth. Im sure he knew we knew who he was, and he almost seemed disappointed that he had been recognized, as if he were some plagued and tormented celebrity who had gone through a whole night out in the world without being noticed before we came along.

I think everyone near or dear to us was notified via twitter or text before he was out of sight. The next 10 minutes was spent reminiscing about that time we walked past Rick Mercer, and trying to justify the strange look he gave us.

And thus, was the most adrenaline filled 30 seconds of my week.

Its a Pith Helmet!!!!

ho hum

hi (is it proper for me to start by saying hi???)

so some updates from me life so far. first, and most tragic. today george and i got stuck in an elevator for approximately one complete minute (i actually had to press the alarm button. very exhilerating)
secondly. today i had 2 midterms. but thats boring shit so thats all the time school gets in this post.
thirdly. i need to film some shit, and i hope Ian is gettin the publicity he deserves.
fourthly. hmmmmmmm
fifthly. i would like to advize(?) all that dark friction season is creepin up on us, so get out those spiked shoes, and road salt.
sixthly. last friday a guy on campus approached me and asked me "what my faith meant to me?" and he handed me a very handy pamphlet about being a good God person. this book is complete with diagrams showing the place of humans in relation to God(people are on earth, God is in the sky btw), as well as who should sit on the chair in the circle (God should) if i could i would upload these diagrams i would. they are very handy. i realize that spreading the word is not only an art form but also a science. theres also a great drawing of a plane that serves no purpose.
seventhly. i hope everyone is doing well in their classes and not getting too wild

Crazy Nutso

I am sitting in Graphic Design, waiting for Gomez to came around and mark my stuff. I missed my bus this morning and had to take a train, and then managed to get on an express bus without paying. It was a rush. Did you know that the Hangover is still playing in theaters? Well it is, and I saw it. It's still funny, but I missed the car-door-in-baby's-face bit, I was disappointed. I have nothing interesting to say so here is this:


EMBED-Drunkest Guy Ever Goes for More Beer - Watch more free videos

1000 Islands Mall

I was in the 1000 Islands Mall today, it was strange, i didnt realize how many memories i have in that barren beige building. There are now bell, rogers, and virgin mobile booths in the mall. Im taking bets on when they will go out of business, ive got 20 bone on mid january.

Thanksgiving Poem

The leaves begin to fall, and the days are getting shorter.
The temperature is colder, shrinking parts below the border.
The air is very crisp, frosting everything that’s living.
And all these signs, they mean one thing, it has to be Thanksgiving.
Come young come old, come far and wide, come every family member.
Come tall come short, come thin come fat, come every race and gender.
We’ll have a feast to celebrate the things that we are thankful for.
We’ll eat so much, we’ll get so drunk, we won’t be leaving through the door.
Pass the buns and pass the bread, and pass the mashed potatoes.
Pass the garden salad please, the one with the tomatoes.
Have some wine, and have some beer, we all shall give our toasts
And then tuck in and grab a fork and dig into the roasts.
There’s turkey, ham, and duck, and veal, they all are cooked just right.
We’ll fill our faces once or twice, then sleep right through the night.
The meal is done, but the drinks continue, everyone is in good cheer.
Another toast to health and wellness, everyone drink up their beer.
At twelve o’clock the drink kicks in, and the light weights drop like flies.
The 16 year old who snuck some vodka passes out and nearly dies.
Everybody heads for bead, the night is finally over.
And in the morning they awake, everyone hung-over.
Everybody waves goodbye, and thinks inside their head,
I’ll never drink that much again, I’ll stick to apple juice instead.
But two months later everybody’s sitting in the den.
It’s Christmas time, there’s food and drink, and the whole things starts again.

Douchbag of the Week

3:36 pm October 8th 2009
Bayview Otrain Station, Ottawa Ontario.

Girl: OMG Taylor Swift is coming to Ottawa!
Guy wearing white sunglasses, faux hawk & neon coloured skate shoes: Are you serious? I HAS to be there!

...

HAS TO!

edit: he was wearing an Ottawa U jacket, so I wasn't that surprised.

Unorganized, Ill Prepared, Last minute

It has long been a tradition for this group to talk a lot about events and when it comes to the follow through or crunch time we always have a tendancy to leave things to the last minute. Many a time have we found ourselves on the day of what ever festivities not knowing all the details of the events. However thankgiving being a holiday based on traditions, I dont think it would be right to break any habits of unorganization.
With that being said it has been set upon me by one very persuasive individual who exhibits chivalrous behaviour in such a manor that it would be a crime to not fulfill his request. This individual, and I quote, said:

"i bequeath you galiant and kind sir, with the noble task. No stronger yet gentler hands could i imagine, and none less would i entrust this infant gift. The valour and husbandry of which glows softly like the porcelin moonlight of the innocent foolery, fooled upon by the forlorn scallywags we once were, and have now come to celebrate in this most melancholy of seasons."

As such I regret to inform you all that the party will be at 6 or around that time at my place, please take this notice and respond about any schedule conflicts.

i live there

Ho-ly shmokes. That is where i live kyle. cool. that was a pretty intense vid.

p.s i now kind of want to see zombieland

A True Life Changing Experience! (Rocket Powered Lincoln Continental)

no words...

Life Changing Experience

Please read and complete the following instructions to emerse yourself in a life changing experience.

Step 1: Obtain a method of transportation (bike, bus, car, truck, van, trycicle ect)
Step 2: Make your way to the nearst movie cinema
Step 3: Purchase a ticket to ZOMBIELAND
Step 4: Enter the designated theatre room, buckle your seatbelts, cross your heart, make sure you are firmly sitting down, and watch the movie that appears on the screen

Your mind has now been blown, thus causeing a life changing experience.
Thank you for your cooperation.

DISCLAIMER - Richard is not responsible for any ill effects that may occur during the following of the above steps, such as extreme laughter resulting in a hurnia, or being beaten up by a 6 year old girl for trying to steal her trycicle. These steps are to be followed at the descretion of the reader, however it should be duely noted that any ill effects that occur during the following of above steps will most certainly be worth the mind blowing and life changing experience.

Nut up or Shut up.

God Damn Foreigners!

Aaron and I were in a pet store recently. We had a conversation that went like this:

Aaron: Why are those birds so expensive? Look.
Kyle: 'Cause they're the exotic ones, they're foreign.
Aaron: Your moms foreign.
Kyle: .... My mom is foreign.
Laughter ensued.

Word of the Week # 2

its officially monday now so here is the second installment

pants noun, pants - the, verb
a person place or thing that exceeds in quality, value, or creativity. Used interchangeably with "the shit" or "jokes".

eg:
noun - How I met your Mother is the fucking pants!
verb - Hey, remember that time "bryan" projectile vomited all over grants bathroom?
Ya! That was pretty pants!

Disclaimer - some names or events in this post have been changed to protect the identity of the persons involved. Your welcome ryan.

Joke Guidlines con't con't

8. In todays day in age, prolonging the joke way past its funny period returns the joke to its funny period again (ie. family guy, peter's hurt leg) just make sure you dont prolong a joke, and then prolong it again because that is to far. (ie another post on this topic after this one)

Joke Guidelines con't

Number 6 - it should be noted that jab-jokes are funniest when the jabbee is present.

eg: grants post will be much funnier if ben reads it.

Number 7 - joke trains can only go on for so long. When a number of people are making consecutive jokes about a common subject, the hilarity of the jokes increases with the number of jokes for only a short while. There is a brief window when a joke becomes a legend (ie:grants nose, bens hair) before the joke is overdone (ie: this post)

Joke Guidelines

Number 3 - When a person asks a question joke (i.e why did the chicken cross the road?), even if one knows the answer, do not say it, for others may not, and if you say the answer the Joker will feel like a bag of shit, and you will look like a Mr. Know-it-all p.s the answer is - to get to the other side.lol.

Number 4 - if it was a tale joke , and you've heard it before, give the guy a courtesy laugh.

Number 5 - no matter what the occasion, if you are feeling glum, look at ben.

- this would be an example of a 'jab-joke' which is often said in desperation for a laugh, and is made at someones expense. my apologies ben, but its not like you read this blog anyways

The General Rules When it Comes to Laughing at a Joke

When you are with a group of friends and someone makes a joke there are a few guidlines one should follow. Its something that just has to be set in place so that no matter how crappy the joke may be at least the idividual had tried to get a laugh and should not be riduculed for the attempt. So rule number one, Always laugh but dont over do it. Youve broken this rule when you have added the phrase "O My God That was SOOOOOOOOO Funny...". Im not going to mention any names but there seems to be one repeated offender in our circles that has completely disregarded rule number one. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Rule number two its ok to say that wasn't that funny as it helps the joker realize that they need to work on better content but don't make them feel bad.

Google LOL

When you type "i like" in google, this is what actually come up first in the list of suggested searches. Im not joking, try it.

hard at work

this is how we do it at mac.



-i dont know how to post a video likt kyle
-when you go to the page on youtube, on the right hand side there's a bar that says embed, copy the code in that bar and just paste it into your comment.

Tunnels

I have been to tim hortons, math, my media and design class, the food court, my math tutorial, and the cafeteria so far today, and i have not set a single foot outside. I love tunnels.

The Gonq, Seals, and FIRE!

It is freakin cold in ottawa, especially at 7:04 in the morning, which is when i have to catch my bus. I then sleep for a half hour, or watch the old people mutter to themselves. The other day there was one man who became very agitated whenever the bus stopped moving. Im not sure where a probably-homeless guy needs to be so urgently on a thursday morning, but his distress lightened my ride a bit. I too, like grant, am a horrible person (but probably to a lesser extent, what with the not-so-mild racism and all).

There is this guy in my class, hes quite a strange kid. Hes very nice and everything, and hes actually really good with photoshop, but he will believe absolutely ANYTHING you tell him. Without question. Today at lunch in the extremely overpriced Gong caff, somebody made an arrested development reference about Busters hand being bit off by a seal. The rest of the conversation goes as follows:

Strange kid: that will never happen to me, i've never even seen a seal in real life.
Cool chick: well you're never completely safe, sometimes they can swim up your drain and bite off your hand in your bathtub.
Strange kid: LIKE OMG! THATS INSANE! OMG IM ONLY TAKING SHOWERS NOW!
*end scene*

I know that sounds made up, but i promise you, THAT, ACTUALLY, HAPPENED. I was going to say something about "no wait, its not seal, shes thinking of walruses" but i was laughing too hard.

Well i think ive rambled on enough... for anyone who reads my facebook status, im trying to figure out how to get an artificial fireplace in my room, ill keep you updated on how that goes. but expect a christmas card with a picture of me and a ferret in silk pajamas (the ferret not me) sitting infront of a roaring hearth.

Word of the Week # 2

its officially monday now so here is the second installment

pants noun, pants - the, verb
a person place or thing that exceeds in quality, value, or creativity. Used interchangeably with "the shit" or "jokes".

eg:
noun - How I met your Mother is the fucking pants!
verb - Hey, remember that time "bryan" projectile vomited all over grants bathroom?
Ya! That was pretty pants!

Disclaimer - some names or events in this post have been changed to protect the identity of the persons involved. Your welcome ryan.

TITLE

I have yet to read where the wild things are, i should do it soon. i have nothing against the franchise, i just dont understand why the wild things must be so damn creepy in the new movie.

*sigh*

i've honestly been looking at this page for 10 minutes, with nothig to write. and so i guess this is it.

that is all....

I am in Math

I am in math. My teacher is talking but no one is listening. She posted the notes she is using to teach online, so no one needs to listen. It took me three weeks to place her accent, I'm fairly sure she is Ukrainian, although I am by all means no expert on eastern European dialects. But my next calss is taught by Comic Book Guy, so its ok. I had my first Tim Hortons breakfast sandwich with bacon this morning in two months. I feel dirty. But dirty feels good. It is cold here up north, I'm going to buy a coat today. I hear there is an apple store in Ottawa now. I will go there and look at all of the nice shiny things I can't afford. My wallpaper on my laptop right now is this.

I just thought Grant should know that. Have a nice day.

The Definition of Lazyness

my toes are cold
i dont like it
but im too lazy to get up and close the window, or put on socks
so i guess i shall suffer

Word of the Week

squidge -noun,verb squidge-d,squidg-ing
the noise produced while riding an escalator with ones hand on the escalator railing and the escalator malfunctions causing the stairs to continue to move but the railing momentarily pauses, causing ones hand to slide along the railing.

eg
:what was that noise?
:it was just my hand sliding along the escalator railing because the escalator malfunctioned

ps. grant that is why. im going going to try to update a word every week, feel free to join in

Is it really that hard to title it Grant? I mean Really?

hello alligators,

i'll let you know what i've been up to lately.

i went home on the weekend for my cousins wedding, where i got quite drunk, it was a good time. i had breakfast with erik on saturday, breakfast was delish.fact.

when i got back to my room late sunday evening i realized i was behind in every subject and i need to now read a lot.dang.

oh, and tommorow i have an audition for a post modern adaptation of 'Hamlet'. wish me luck

that is all.

p.s - kyle, why you need to know how to spell squidge?

Douchebag of the Week

Yesterday, on a forum for one of my classes, instead of saying "keep it short and sweet" this douchebag extraordinaire chose the phrase "try to minimize any syntactic ambiguities"

I really wish grant was there so I could watch his head explode.

Alarms and Halo

I also had alarm issues today, i didn't get home till 830 in the morning, and my alarm had been going off in my room since 730, so im pretty sure somebody is upset with me, i haven't left my room to find out. Instead i am allowing myself to spend saturday paying off my sleep debt. Also, im not a huge anime or halo fan, but this looks pretty cool.



Apparently there's going to be 7 short films like this. Also, spell check doesnt like anime... surely thats a word by know! pwned is officially a word according to meriam webster, true story.

ps. the video doesnt fit in the column and that REALLY bothers me. SO im going to try and fix it, im gonna have to delve into some code here so dont be surprised if i fuck it up and the site looks terrible in the next couple of days.

My Day

Today i pulled one my usual moves by tuning my alarm off and then just shutting my eys for a minute, only to wake up 45 min later! (note to slef, sleep is a powerful aly, use it wisely)

Needles to say i was slightly late for my math class, which didnt really matter since i had already handed in the assignment that was due today on monday, and i have yet to actually learn anything new yet, but the teacher signed my tutor sheet today so that means i now get to pass my mathamatical knowledge on to those who were apparently asleep through highshcool math.

Anyways im headin to london in like 2 hours for xc race number 2! peace oiut my alligators form another mother!

shoulder shrug

Today i had cereal for breakfast.

i like richards post

ben is dumb.fact. sorry ben.

i now hate reading more than ever.
my best class is theatre, ( i have a 350 word essay... :) in your face ben) -_- -bens face


that is all

My College Experience Thus Far

Hello every one and welcome to my first post of the blogg. No, no...no please hold your aplause to the end.

So here I am at big bad SLC! And thats Kingston SLC! To be fair it gets a bad rep from brockville kids due to the Brockville campus sucking huge ass donkey balls (like really huge, and hairy, oh so hairy). But the K-town campus is actually pretty legit. Nice gym, library and cafe, decent rez, and good comp labs.

As for classes well they are very interesting and engaging and there soo .................zzzzzzzzzz. Oh sorry fell asleep there. Ok so unlike ben i do not feel dumb. The classes are a joke but thats what you get from a General Arts and Science program in college. After taking uni bio I sadly feel like I am in highschool. And as for my math class, im pretty sure Ford could teach it! But hey im not complaining with easy marks, and its only a year, so it looks ill be skipping and whistling all the way to Humber next year. Oh ya, and just for all you uni kids out there.....wait for it......drum roll......wait for it.....NO FINAL EXAMS!!! Im sorry but that was totaly necessary. The only perk I guess is that I can be a tutor to my class mates and make some mad dough doin it.

Living with my g-rents is aswsome to the max. My penthouse apartment kicks ass, and having two personal cooks, and access to a vehicle is nothing to pout about. I am especailly likin the K-Rock centre (Bill Cosby in t-minus 37 days :O!)

Well thats about it for me so far, hope all you guys are having it as easy as I am, however I sincerley doubt you are, and will be happy to perform your Eulogy for a minumal fee ( all procceeds go to the "Help Richard Buy A Ticket To See Bill Cosby Fund", a very very noble cause)

See you later memers of The Great White Alligator!

Picton

Long overdue, but much more appreciated, what with all the nostalgia.

Brave New World

Approximately 12:20 am, September 24th 2009.
For those of you who missed it, i shall dictate:

Ben says:
i felt dumb today

I'm not exactly sure what is going on. The large hadron collider may have had more serious concequences then we thought and has thusly propelled us into some sort of bizzaro world, where nothing is quite as it seems, but let be assure you brothers we wil pull through this together and make sense of this mad, mad world we live in.

May god the force be with us.

Grant Making Up for his Lack of Enthusiasm:

soooo, since KT is attempting to take control of what i thought was our blog im making a post to show my commitment. in yo face

for the past two point five weeks (approximately) i have been attending university(blah). i read a lot. it is sucky. what do i do with this acquired knoweledge on the Komagata Maru incident or the writings of plato?... do i change the world...sigh...no...i keep reading...

i recently came across a site called omegle...its quite whacked. fact.
i talked with a man from indonesia about existence.
a homeless man (on a libraries computer) about whether he had achieved enlightenment or not
a guy who said he like little boys...
and a plethora (big word = minus one point) of creepy old men looking for girls with 'pics of cam'
^ - from my theories on society.fact.

i seen a child fall down today. and i didnt help them. am i a bad person?no.fact.the kid deserved it.he looked funny.

i am a bad person

i realized i have a bottle opener on my keychain. i dont drink anything that ever requires a bottle opener. i have a bottle opener on my key chain so i can look cooler.i am not cooler.fact.

also, this is the definition of awesome:


that is all.

CLASS

My Prophesy

A prophesy foretold by a dear friend o' mine

"Once upon a time in the land of who
there was a who named Grant Devries who was feeling blue
so he packed up his bags and left wholand forever
to pursue his dream and never say never
he immigrated to the land of the bigs
and was sure to eat a lot of figs
his dream was to teach various academia
whilst crusading the fight against bulemia
he attended McMasters and studied whostory
all the while maintaining limited tomfoolery
after years of teaching delinquent children
he never set foot in the European Union."

No Pants Party Quotes

"Im not gonna let the man tell me what to were on my feet!"
"Yesterdays paper! less than a dollar!"
"Im soo glad you came back with ID"
"LADIEEES"
"HEY YOU GUYS!"
"FUCK SHOES!"
"Is that a new sign?"
"Take off your pants"
"Pink bellay!"
"Don't take any videos!"